Revisiting the Original Pain

A lot of people want to talk to me about what has happened in recent events.  Well, I'm not quite ready.  Only to say that time will tell.  To have a life-long question answered in a couple short minutes in some ways turned my world up-side down.  In other ways it just made everything click into place.  For now, I think I'm holding up all right.  I'm not resentful in anyway of VTV1 springing me the news on Live TV.  Sure some would say its a "cheap trick" or done for dramatic effect, but that's really what I signed on for in the beginning.  How else would I not have to pay a penny for someone else to go out and do the legwork for me while I was up in Hanoi?  Well, there's a price for everything, and I was willing to pay it this time.  I can't tell you the sense of relief I felt, and maybe a bit of guilt at feeling relieved, that my birth Mom was dead for some time.  I guess it's because one of my main fears in finding her would be that her other kids would expect me to take on financial responsibility for her.  I have my own Mom to be worried about.  The curiosity in what she looked like was also fulfilled.  The resemblance is uncanny; we both have the same sad eyes.  Exorcising this sadness is something I'm working on now, but it will just take being gentle with myself, and it will take some time.  As far as remaining in contact with my half-brothers and sister...that is also TBD, and I'm struggling over the decision to go ahead with a DNA test or not.  I'll have to decide quickly in order to get the test over via a friend meeting me in Bali in early September.  All of this has put a bit of a damper on my travels in Southeast Asia.  I am constantly distracted by recent events and when I stop long enough to sit still with myself, I can't help but feel a lot of emotions resurfacing.  A tide of mixed feelings washing over me and taking over the senses.  I don't want to miss out on the beauty around me, but I know there's a lot inside I've never really wanted to deal with, and I'm being forced to face it now.  I'm also in love; which complicates things considerably.  Especially since I'm away from this person who is in Hanoi right now...death and rebirth, what its all about.  One door closes, and another one opens.  But my heart feels like its in my throat half the time, and my head feels full of fizziness.  I'm trying not to be tempted to just escape with substances or food.  To just fully embrace what is, what has happened, and the mystery of what will be...